How To Be An Ethical Journalist.

Keaton Shaffer | Norman, Oklahoma

So you want to write the news, huh? Figures. Just about everyone’s a journalist these days — what, with smartphone video and everything. Well, despite how it may appear, there's quite a bit you need to know before you take to your preferred platform and start praising power to the people. 

You’ve certainly come to the right place, too. A ‘Keaton Shaffer’ byline symbolizes the pinnacle of news reporting. I mean, I am just the absolute most efficient, concise, well-ordered, succinct, orderly and efficient communicator around. Oh, and objective, too. Now, I impart knowledge. 

Step 1. Pick a side. 

Journalism is about attention. Grab your audience by their deepest, darkest fears and maintain the death-grip. Scared of your political enemy? Good. Keep watching. I have a click-quota to keep. 

That being said, it should go without saying: your audience is who already agrees with you. Your competitors are already decades into the process. Nobody can be reasoned with. There aren’t multiple perspectives; in fact, there are not even two. There’s just the bottom line. 

So no need to be unbiased – journalists are meant to divide and entertain. Now flip on the 24-hour broadcast. 

Step 2. Know your medium. 

Language is often referred to as the most potent of artforms. It cuts harshly and scrapes the deplorable depths of the human psyche. Forget all that. Words are tools to drum up engagement. When in doubt:

• Reuse the same phrases as the pundits on the 24-hour newscast

• Try to find whatever term is most upsetting (again, we’re rage-farming here)

• Just film yourself saying anything. Don’t think too hard. Just say something that will send people to the comments. 

When writing for digital audiences, it's also important to make use of the tools of the modern era. Hyperlink valuable information and insert it directly into the text. More information about hyperlinking can be found here: https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/office/create-or-edit-a-hyperlink-5d8c0804-f998-4143-86b1-1199735e07bf.

Step 3. Find your sources. 

Journalists use quotes from experts to make their points. One source is usually enough.

Like this: Foreign Correspondent for the New York Herald Jake Barnes said, “Consider conflicts of interest a moot point.” 

And if there's parts of a quote that don't fit your narrative, it's okay to cut them. For example, Barnes' full quote was actually: “The worst advice you could give to a journalist is to consider conflicts of interest a moot point,” but who needs that first part? 

Also, let’s just get real for a second: sources are meant to help you illustrate your point, and if we can reorganize their words, we might as well just write them ourselves. 

Did I really interview Jake (first name reference is ALWAYS acceptable) for the quote above? No, because Jake Barnes doesn't exist — he's the main character of Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" — but I bet his credentials made me sound really knowledgeable. 

Step 4. What to leave in, what to leave out. 

You are in charge of the narrative. Well, either you or the corporate donors (or whoever else bought and sold your newsroom). Either way, you’ve got a story to tell, and it was decided before the news gathering began. 

You've reported well if you've followed this checklist:

1. Cut dissenting opinions…

…unless they make your opponent appear ridiculous or dumb. 

2. Disregard context…

…unless historically you’ve been in the right.

3. Have a newsroom with a wide range of perspectives edit your work…

…and then secretly reject all the edits that don't align with what I've instructed. 

(This should give you that trendy, ‘unbiased’ appearance)

If you follow these steps, you’ll be mainstream media in no time.